Monday, August 29, 2011

On Sports

Modern sports are a disappointment. You rarely see any real violence during a game. Let me know when they bring back Gladiatorial matches. Real ones, where the match ends with a death, none of these bad actors in homoerotic dances they call "professional wrestling". Hockey has too much body armor and rugby doesn't get anywhere near enough coverage to have a decent fan base. I'd wager if it DID start getting more coverage some hand wringing idiots would form an organization to ban it so they can prove that they "think of the children" more than the rest of us.

You want me to give a damn about sports? Then show some that are worth watching, not a bunch of millionaires running around and whining whenever someone breaks one of their manicured nails. I want a version of soccer where it's not considered a fowl unless you have a broken bone. Allow steroids, as long as they're laced with an anticoagulant, so if you do get cut you risk bleeding out. Get rid of the armor in Football. And Baseball? I'm not sure how to save baseball, but you can make a start by letting the batter keep the bat and use it to fend off anyone trying to tag him "out" with the ball. That MIGHT liven things up a bit.

The irony is that some men consider me less "manly" because I have no interest in the sissified dance numbers they call "sports." If I want a dance number I'll watch something with better music. At least "Glee" has the decency to be up front about the homoerotic plot themes. Sweeny Todd has it all. Death (at least in the fake Hollywood sense), violence, revenge and a soundtrack.

The real reason they don't bring back public executions is that everyone knows they would get better ratings than professional sporting events. Even death by lethal injection would draw higher numbers than the playoffs. If they bring back the electric chair the Superbowl would be permanently relegated to the #2 slot, unless of course another channel was airing a hanging. Against that double header the Superbowl would be #3.

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