Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The 'Too Stupid for my Job' Defense

The Derp is strong with this one. 

East Baton Rouge Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux has spend two years running an illegal sting operation based on a state law that had been declared unconstitutional in 2003. Now he's claiming he had no idea a law he was trying to enforce was invalid despite the DA refusing to press charges on any of the cases for the entire two years of the sting's run.

It would appear Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux is too stupid to have his current job.

"Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux told the newspaper that it didn't matter the Supreme Court ruled anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional a decade ago, it's still on the books in Louisiana, so they were still arresting men for it."

I'd suggest he be demoted to a janitorial role, but frankly, I don't think he's intelligent enough to be trusted with chemicals as dangerous as those used by the average custodial engineer. Has "Dirty Jobs" covered anything that can be done by someone as stupid as Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux? I can't think of any, but I've only seen a couple seasons of the program. Hard work tends to require competence, a character trait clearly lacking in Sheriff Gautreaux.

I'm going to take Special Needs Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux at his word on this, and assume he's telling the truth, that his comprehension of the legal system is too shoddy for him to work in law enforcement. The alternative to him being a mind numbingly ignorant embarrassment to the human race, would be that he was intentionally running an illegal sting to harass homosexual men in the area. He claims he's just stupid, and not deliberately abusing his power to harass people who make him "feel funny down there."

Monday, July 22, 2013

Caleb Learns About Homeopathy

The following makes more sense if you know what Homeopathy is. The excellent article Darryl Cunningham Investigates: Homeopathy covers the basics in a succinct, comic book format.

This past weekend I had a conversation with my son about quackery. He's 5 and we were buying him more allergy medication. He wanted the package with the colorful cartoon characters on it. They were homeopathic preparations. I started talking to him about what that meant, and at one point he said, "Oh! Fake medicine, like my cheetah is fake!" He was referring to one of his stuffed animals.

I replied with "Kinda, only no one is trying to trick people into thinking your cheetah is real."

I ended up explaining what the "8x" on one package and the "20c" meant on another, and just how dilute that made the original ingredient. It was easy for him to grasp as one of his science kits has a water dropper which he uses to move around small quantities of things. We ended up miming taking one drop of red food coloring and moving it through 8 levels of dilution. When we got to the end he said "But Daddy, there won't be any red LEFT!"

"I think you understand," I said.

In the end he picked the cherry flavored Benadryl. Unfortunately this has reminded him that he does not like the cherry flavor. We've agreed that when this bottle is empty we'll go back to bubble-gum flavor.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

My Son vs the Jerk

A couple weekends ago, my son Caleb and I were in the grocery store, waiting our turn at the deli counter. I had put my five year old son in one of the carts with a built-in infant seat. I'd done this because he was sound asleep, having exhausted himself at a park before our shopping trip. He continued to nap peacefully throughout the wait. I was checking things off the shopping list on my cell phone. While the counter was decently staffed, things were moving slowly because one woman in her 60's was giving one deli employee a VERY hard time, having him slice and re-slice everything multiple items.

Caleb in the Cart

Finally it was out turn. While my order was being sliced a woman in her 40's came up to the woman in her 60's.

"How is it you're STILL at the deli counter?" the woman in her 40's asked.

"They're incompetent," the older woman said, "Here's your meat." She tossed a few packages of meat and cheese into the younger woman's cart.

The younger woman picked up the packages, looked at them and said, "This isn't what I wanted. I need-"

"That's what you're getting. Your taste is crap. This is better."

The younger woman lowered her head and said nothing. It was pretty clear from her body language that she was used to deferring to the older woman. they looked alike enough that I suspected they were mother and daughter.

By this point, my salami and pastrami were done. I tried to leave the deli counter, but the two women and their carts were blocking me in. I politely said, "Excuse me," as I tried to maneuver between them.

The older woman shot me and angry look and nearly screamed, "WHAT is your rush? IT," she poked my son hard in the chest, "is still asleep."

Before I could respond Caleb looked sleepily up at the woman and said, "If you're mean, you won't have any friends." He then closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

The older woman was apoplectic. She raised her arm as if to hit Caleb. I thrust out my arm, shielding my son and growled at her, "If you touch my son again I'm having you arrested for assault." I showed her my cell phone, on which I had already dialed "9-1-1." I had not yet hit the "Call" button.

She glared at me for a moment, her arm jerking as if she were fighting the urge to hit me. She then lowered her arm and, still shooting me a look fit to kill, backed up her cart to make way for us to leave. As she did so I noticed the younger woman was beaming with delight, but she turned away the moment the older woman looked at her.

As we left I heard the older woman muttering, insulting my manhood for "threatening to arrest an old lady." I found myself wondering if she'd have thought better of my manhood if I'd responded to her the way she'd tried to respond to my son.