Machiavellian dating

On this morning's train ride to work I sat next to two women who were discussing their love lives. One of them had her eye on a specific man in her social circle, but he was married. The woman had decided to befriend the man's wife to, "Find out what's wrong so I can exploit it." After a few months hanging out with the wife and "Getting their kids used to me being around," she had learned, "His wife uses sex to control him. She locks her legs whenever she wants something. Makes fun of his performance, always tearing him down about it. She's proud of yawning during sex just to make him feel bad."

"Is he a bad lay?" her friend on the train asked.

"That's the sick part. She says he's good in bed. She wants to make him feel grateful when they do it and not have to do any of the work. "

"Crap."

"I'm going for it the next time she's holding out. Summer's coming and she says she always keeps him waiting to get the vacation she wants. A woman turns down her man enough he's not going to stop asking, he's just going to stop asking HER. All I have to do is pursue him a little and he's all mine. I think I can get her to cheat on him before I seduce him. That'll take care of any guilt he might have about leaving her and give him an edge in the divorce."

They chatted for a few more minutes about the other woman's prospects, but she clearly preferred going after single men who didn't require a months long plan to figure out how to sabotage a marriage. They had shifted to a discussion of the weather by the time they got off the train.

Florida man allegedly attacked pregnant sister during fight over chicken nuggets

“I will punch you down,” Gordon barked at the woman before grabbing her neck and tossing her into a nightstand, the report said.

Kareem Gordon, 28, allegedly pounced his 25-year-old sister, who was four months pregnant, after he saw her eating the fast food treat inside their mother's Orlando home, according to a report. Gordon was booked on charges that include aggravated battery.

Apparently chicken Nuggets are tastier on Florida, if they're worth beating up your pregnant sister.

On the topic of men who should not be allowed anywhere near women, take the following steps to improve your Internet experience:

Use Notepad to open the following file on your computer:
c:\Windows\System32\drivers\etc\hosts

Add the following lines to the bottom:

127.0.0.1 www.returnofkings.com
127.0.0.1 returnofkings.com

Save the changes

Florida man smuggles 13 bottles of liquor in sweat pants

On Thursday, November 14 around 8 a.m., security cameras captured the man (above, left; also, below left) wearing a gray t-shirt and sneakers as he walked out with possibly the chunkiest pair of black sweatpants in all of Fort Myers that hour

I don't think I've ever owned a pair of sweatpants that had the structural integrity for a heist, especially one of that magnitude. Whoever made those sweatpants might want to use this news item as part of their advertising to brag about how durable the clothing it.

Then again, such advertising might be seen as encouraging the use of the clothing as a aid to larceny, so it might not be such a great idea to use it in marketing materials.

Woman sues officer who repeatedly applied mace to her genitals

Woman sues officer who repeatedly applied mace to her genitals

I'm at a loss to understand the "logic" that lead a police office to repeatedly spray a caustic chemical onto a person's most sensitive parts. If his goal was to retrieve the plastic bag, then his course of action was downright idiotic. If you spray someone's genitals with mace, they're going to clamp their legs together and clench up, possibly drawing the alleged contraband further into their body.

The 'Too Stupid for my Job' Defense

The Derp is strong with this one. 

East Baton Rouge Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux has spend two years running an illegal sting operation based on a state law that had been declared unconstitutional in 2003. Now he's claiming he had no idea a law he was trying to enforce was invalid despite the DA refusing to press charges on any of the cases for the entire two years of the sting's run.

It would appear Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux is too stupid to have his current job.

"Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux told the newspaper that it didn't matter the Supreme Court ruled anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional a decade ago, it's still on the books in Louisiana, so they were still arresting men for it."

I'd suggest he be demoted to a janitorial role, but frankly, I don't think he's intelligent enough to be trusted with chemicals as dangerous as those used by the average custodial engineer. Has "Dirty Jobs" covered anything that can be done by someone as stupid as Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux? I can't think of any, but I've only seen a couple seasons of the program. Hard work tends to require competence, a character trait clearly lacking in Sheriff Gautreaux.

I'm going to take Special Needs Sheriff Sid J. Gautreaux at his word on this, and assume he's telling the truth, that his comprehension of the legal system is too shoddy for him to work in law enforcement. The alternative to him being a mind numbingly ignorant embarrassment to the human race, would be that he was intentionally running an illegal sting to harass homosexual men in the area. He claims he's just stupid, and not deliberately abusing his power to harass people who make him "feel funny down there."

That Can't be Good for the Paint job

This Monday morning was annoying. I was running late, my son was arguing with me, and I realized I needed to hit an ATM to pay for parking. I decided my best bet was to use an ATM in the city center before taking my son to school. I parked near a church and started crossing a couple of streets, my son riding on my shoulders. The intersections in the city center are a bit messy, but perfectly safe if you wait for the lights. People tend to pay more attention because of the heavy pedestrian traffic due to the nearby high school.

During my short walk I saw an African-American woman crossing a different branch off the central rotary a few yards away. She had the right of way, and was obeying the traffic signals. I was noticing her hair, a intricate web of braids piled high. Despite the altitude of the hairdo, it meshed perfectly with the smart business suit she was wearing. I'd turned away and resumed my walk to the ATM when I heard the screech of tires and a blaring horn. I looked back and saw a cream colored BMW stopped inches from the woman. The driver had apparently tried to run the light despite their being pedestrians in the crosswalk. He leaned out his open window, threw a lit cigarette in her direction and screamed "What the F**k are you doing ni**er?"

Her response was to stop in the street, blocking the driver's progress. She turned and looked him in the eyes. She then silently pointed to the very well marked crosswalk she was in, and then to the "walk" signal she was clearly obeying. She stood there for a moment and then finished crossing the street. The BMW driver proceeded to run the red light.

My son and I reached the ATM, got some cash for parking and went back to our car. While driving I saw the exact same woman on the far side of the four lane street, starting to cross. She had one of those massive fruity beverage Starbucks sells during the Summer. As I slowed and stopped to let her cross in front of me I reflected on the fact that the drink looked as big as her upper arm, and I wondered how she'd manage to drink it all.

I glanced in my rear view mirror and noticed there was no one behind me. The woman made eye contact with me as she reached the median and I waved her on. She smiled and started jogging across. She was almost over the line into my lane when I heard an engine roar and saw a blur of motion to my left. A black BMW was pulling around me at high speed. He peeled towards the woman and she had to run to avoid being hit. She threw her sugar bomb beverage into the air and it landed on the BMW's windshield. The BMW screeched to a halt and I could see the wipers starting to smear the beverage.

The woman didn't stop running until she was across the street. She looked back, threw up her hands in a "I'm done with this" gesture and moved on, shaking her head, laughing and looking back at the BMW that was still stopped and covered with the beverage. As I inched past I noticed the BMW's driver was on the cell phone, yelling, and flipping the bird at his nearly opaque windshield. I noticed that a lot of the drink was on his roof as well, and I reflected that it was quite a shame he wasn't driving a convertible with the top down.