Wednesday, March 31, 2010

How I caused a panic 6 months after April 1

Back when I was working at FinancialCampus, I circulated a memo on
April Fool's Day, 2002. The memo got a few giggles but was largely
ignored, as most my coworkers didn't get the joke.

In the next five months the company had a major growth spurt. An
entire department sprung into existence with close to a dozen people.

One day I returned to the office after giving a deposition. (The
company was being sued, again) and I was approached by an
exceptionally foolish woman who had, for reasons known only to her,
been going though my home directory on the server. Why she even had
access to my home directory the Network Admin refused to tell me, but
the damage was done. She'd found my memo and printed it up,
circulating it among her coworkers. The entire department was in a
panic, as the only person in that department who'd been with the company when I'd first
circulated the memo had clearly forgotten all about it.

She ran up to me and demanded to know why I hadn't told anyone about
the "poison in the water." I was confused until she showed me a printout
of the memo. I read it and started laughing. This upset her and some
of the people behind her. "This could be killing our kids" one of them

I asked her where she'd gotten the memo and she admitted to having
spent the day poking around peoples' home directories on the server. I
pointed out the date.

"So?" she demanded.

"I sent it around on April 1."

One of her coworkers swore quietly and returned to her desk. A few
others groaned and did the same.

"So we've been drinking this s**t for months?"

It took an additional 20 minutes to get her to understand it was an
April Fool's joke and that dihydrogen monoxide was water.

Below is the text of the memo:

The Massachusetts Water supply has been found to contain dihydrogen monoxide.

This acid can cause corrosion in a variety of substances, irreversibly
damaging wood, paint, metal and most structural components.

Prolonged human exposure can cause loss of skin oils, discomfort,
encourage bacterial infection and in some extreme cases, death.

In pure form, it is clear, odorless and tasteless.

Numerous organisms, many harmful to humans, thrive on this chemical.

This chemical also damages electrical components and destroys paper products.

Thousands of deaths a year can be attributed both directly and
indirectly to dihydrogen monoxide. One recent, and spectacular death,
involved an unfortunate man who handled electrical components that had
come into contact with dihydrogen monoxide. While electrocution was
the direct cause of death, the electrical device would have posed no
threat if the dihydrogen monoxide had not destroyed the device's

Presence of dihydrogen monoxide in the lungs prevents the absorption
of Oxygen, and results in death.

There has even been one case reported where excessive quantities of
dihydrogen monoxide caused electrolytes to be flushed from the body,
resulting in death. This however, appears to be a suicide.

Dihydrogen monoxide intake can be correlated with an increased need to
urinate as the chemical is flushed from the body.

Recent studies have revealed that most Americans have large deposits
of dihydrogen monoxide in their bodies.

Withdrawal from dihydrogen monoxide intake is generally fatal.

It's production and distribution is legal and unregulated aside from
rudimentary purity laws.

Please take the appropriate precautions.

When will Erick Erickson be outed?

I've long suspected that the most outspoken, angry and paranoid anti-gay activists are closeted homosexuals. In my estimation their hate fueled diatribes are not expressions of moral certainly or religious zeal, but the burbling emissions of a deep seated self loathing. There's research linking homophobia to homosexual arousal. The cases of men like Ted Haggard only add real life examples to fuel the theory.

Based on this information, I'd like to suggest that Erick Erickson might be gay. Erick Erickson's anti-gay vitriol leaves little doubt about his homophobia. For example, Erickson compared hiring a homosexual to supporting NAMBLA in one essay. In that essay he gave the impression that he sees no difference between homosexuality and pedophilia. Kevin Jennings was not the only person to face the business end of Erickson's rhetoric . Obama and Ted Kennedy are among the folks who have been on the business end of his ire.

It's his anti-gay statements that interest me most. His inability distinguish between homosexuality and pedophilia for example is the sort of thing I've come to expect from political nutjobs being eaten alive by their own desire for a wild night with Ricky Martin.

The question then becomes, how long will it be before someone outs him? How long before a past lover comes forward to reveal steamy, seedy secrets about late night bath house encounters? Will some staffer at CNN discover a gay porn stash on Erickson's PC? More importantly, are there any offshore gambling sites that will let me set up a pool on when Erickson will be outed?

Are ALL Homophobes this gay?

I'm tempted to start a web site where people can bet on when a given homophobic politician or activist will be outed by a gay sex scandal. Ted Haggard set off the gaydar of so many people BEFORE he was outed by his gay lover that it's hard to believe ANYONE actually thought he was straight in the first place. I mean, seriously, take a look at the guy. I know I'm not the only one who was unsurprised by his outing.

Dr Aubrey Levin has proven that this phenomena is not unique to the USA. Levin is a South African nutjob known for doing things like using electro-shock to "treat" gay soldiers,a and giving IV barbiturates to soldiers who objected to serving int eh apartheid era military. Now Dr Aubrey Levin, known as "Dr Shock" for his love of running current through patients' brains, has been secretly videotaped making sexual advances on a make patient.

That's right, the "dr" who used electro-shock treatment to "cure" gay soldiers is himself not just a homosexual, but a predator trying to abuse at least one male patient.

It's a shame online gambling laws are so strict in the USA. I could really clean up running a betting pool on these sorts of things.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!

Woman claims she's being oppressed because she's being treated the same as everyone else.

Shirley Chaplin doesn't look like a religious nutjob. She's a nurse who worked at a hospital that banned all necklaces for safety reasons. The elderly patients she cared for have a tendency to grab things when being moved or treated and a necklace is a nice shiny object that poses the exact kind of safety hazard the hospital wants to minimize.

Ms. Chaplin however, disagrees. You see, her necklace has a gold cross. Even though someone wearing an Islamic Crescent, a Star of David, a Wicca Pentagram or a Flying Spaghetti Monster would all be asked to remove their necklaces in the workplace, Shirley Chaplin's cross is special. She considers it persecution that she's being held to the exact same standards as everyone else.

The hospital makes concessions for religious clothing, like head scarves, but not for jewelry. Being the whiny, self centered twit that she is, Ms Chaplin has gotten her clergy involved. The clergy in turn has decided to claim that this safety rule is an example of religious persecution.

Who is it asking for special rights again?

Energy Star proven to be a useless rubber stamp

Audit Finds Vulnerability of EnergyStar Program

It turns out you can get an energy star rating for just about anything, even a gasoline powered alarm clock! All you have to do is claim that YOUR gasoline powered alarm clock is at least 20% more energy efficient than any other gasoline powered alarm clock on the market.

No, the government doens't check your claims.

In light of this stunning revelation, I'm moving forward with the following inventions:
  • The bacon fat powered lawnmower.
  • A series of model rocket engines that use salami as the fuel source. (Hey, the Mythbusters say it works!)
  • A car that can burn raw crude oil. The Slogan: "It's Smokin!"
  • A new, Energy Star compliant coal furnace for home heating!
  • A new hybrid engine that uses coal to perform electrolysis and then burns the resulting gas to actually power the engine. Since the product form the FINAL combustion is just water, it's a green car too!
  • A coffee maker powered by wood stove pellets.
  • And of course, the high efficiency fireplace! It's 20% more efficient than a regular chimney if you operate it with the flue closed! (Operating fireplace with the flue closed is not recommended as this will result in carbon monoxide poisoning.)
What are YOUR invention ideas?

Monday, March 29, 2010

Homeopathy preys on the desperate

It's really sad that 200 year old magic, with NO evidence of efficacy is not only still circulating but is being paid for by government and private health care plans.

Homeopathy preys on the desperate

But how present is the original molecule in the preparation? Products are sold using a dilution range of 6X to 30X where X represents the Roman numeral 10. So, 6X equals one part in 10 to the power of 6, or one in a million. Some products use "C", the Roman numeral for 100. If one were to ingest a preparation of 30C, that would equal 1 followed by 60 zeros, or the number of atoms in our galaxy. At this point, you are consuming nothing more than water.

You shouldn't be surprised that not one person has overdosed on a homeopathic remedy.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Jason Beats the Westboro Baptist Church

When hate groups give you lemons, make lemon-aid.

Bricks for Health Care

Hurled bricks, threats surround health overhaul

Bricks now thrown at lawmakers over health care vote

Bricks shatter glass at NY Democratic offices

Why are these psychotic, violent, right wing proto-terrorists throwing bricks through windows?

Because throwing a brick is easier than actually DOING something to change things, like, I don't know, running for congress themselves! Heaven forbid instead of expressing impotent rage through acts of mindless vandalism they do something CONSTRUCTIVE to change things for the better.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Foam Baby Foam!

What do you do when the preponderance of modern science says your preferred form of medical quackery is a useless waste of time and totally ineffective?

Why, you start calling people NAZIs of course: HOMEOPATHY: Jew of Nazi Medicine

Here is Dr Novella's response: Homeopath Benneth Jumps the Shark

I find it interesting that none of the links next to Benneth's video point to or mention Dr Novella's response.

I find it hilarious when Benneth says Dr Novella should be an underwear model. I can't help but wonder why Benneth spends so much time imagining Dr Novella in naught but his knickers. It has no relevance to who is right and who is wrong, but unrequited longing could explain the vitriol of Benneth's video when all Novella has done is reference scientific studies and clinical trials.

Dennis Markuze aka David Mabus

There's a man online known as David Mabus. He's a bit of a nutter. While no one has ever really discerned what he's trying to say with his posts, the best guess at his meaning is that Nostradamus predicted Depeche Mode and through them the 9/11 terror attacks. This somehow (he's never elaborated that I can see) entitles him to the 1 million USD James Randi education foundation prize.

I was curious what he was up to these days, so I went spelunking online. I found this response to his rantings that I personally think is the best, most appropriate reply that could ever be given to David Mabus. I encourage anyone who encounters him online to use it:


Dennis Markuze aka David Mabus - former computer salesman - Montreal, Canada.

please seek advice.
1-800-THERAPIST network

Montreal Psychology Office
Obtain help for depression, anxiety, smoking cessation, relationship issues, and more...

If you are more comfortable in a French speaking environment
Luc Blain, psychologue clinicien
La vie est une succession d'événements qui amènent l'individu à les subir, à les nier, ou encore à les transformer pour les rendre digestes psychiquement. Dans le processus de transformation, la personne retrouve une plus grande liberté intérieure dans différentes dimensions de sa vie: capacité d'avoir du plaisir, d'aimer et d'être aimé, de s'épanouir dans un travail ou des activités.

Picked up off the net, but you may need reminding.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Bunny Bonanza

Cheyenne does something similar when I give her her daily pellets. Half the time I have to pour them over her head into the bowl.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Fairy Scientist

This young woman shows more scientific rigor than most alt-med practitioners. It gives me a glimmer of hope for humanity.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Cheap Seats: Things That Are Fabulous

I'm not normally that into the Olympics, but the controversy over the homophobic asshats who took issue with Johnny Weir's sexuality has caught my attention.

The Cheap Seats: Things That Are Fabulous

Personally I think the commentators were just lashing out because Johnny Weir makes them feel all funny "down there" and lashed out instead of confronting their tendencies.