Friday, December 24, 1999

When Matthew is Evil Overlord

Someday, I plan to become the Evil Overlord of the Earth. When I achieve this goal I will implement my plan for Thinning the Herd.

I got the phrase "Thinning the Herd" from a nature documentary I saw on PBS years and years ago. I watched a lion take down a sick deer, and began to draw parallels with human reproduction. Now, before people start screaming and panicking I want to make a few points clear. I am not advocating any kind of active "cleansing" process. Imagine for a moment that all the lions in the area are put in a massive pit. All the deer, (They understand English for the purposes of this illustration) are then told, "All the lions are over there. If you go there they will eat you." In present day society we waste time and energy watching those deer, grabbing them and dragging them away from the lions every time one of the dumber ones wander towards certain death. We even penalize others for failing to keep those deer away from the lions!

My idea would be simple: Let the dumb deer wander into death, thus removing themselves from the gene pool. The end result: Smarter deer.

Let's be blunt. There are a whole slew of stupid and destructive people in the world. They reproduce and raise children who are as lacking in basic intelligence and/or morality as they. What can be done?

Someday, I will be the Evil Overlord of the Earth. I won't bore you with the details of how this will come to be, or the specifics of how you can become part of my new world order. Right now, I'll just out line what I will do, so you can decide early on if you plan to oppose me or join me. Such things need to be settled now, before someone starts killing people for a cause they'll later rebel against.

Now, there will be two primary goals of my administration. I will allow the bottom feeders of civilization to eliminate themselves from the gene pool, and I will dispose of the undesirable elements of society through a series of laws and regulations focused on the judicious use of punishments that fit the crime.

The main premise of "Thinning the Herd" is that some people are just too stupid to be allowed to reproduce. This stupidity has nothing to do with race, religion or geographic location. Unfortunately, there are a number of safety guards our society has put in place that allows these people to stay alive and continue to reproduce. "Thinning the Herd" consists of removing these safeguard, thus adding a little chlorine to the gene pool.

So far only one person has submitted ideas for possible laws. I've posted her full list of submissions. I've added a couple of them to this page. As a general rule, if part of the law is a link, it will take you to either a full list of that submitter's laws, or the submitter's homepage, which every they prefer.

How to Thin the Herd

The Law
The Rational
Stupid warning labels will be removed from all products If you use Windex to clean your contact lenses, you deserve to suffer. If you inhale White-Out, you deserve to die, and if you're stupid enough to put your mouth on a compressed air canister and open the valve, you are clearly not someone who should not reproduce.
A set of laws will be passed protecting manufactures from what I like to call "Injuries or fatalities resulting from a foolhardy use of the product." Some years ago, a man bought an RV. The salesman explained the concept of "Cruise Control" to the man, a new feature at the time. The man bought the RV, and left the dealership. One day he was driving down the highway and put the RV on Cruise Control, left the driver's seat, and went into the RV's kitchenette to make a sandwich. In a few minutes the RV crashed and rolled over. The man successfully sued the dealership for failing to adequately explain the difference between "Cruise Control" on a car, and "Automatic Pilot" on an airplane. He won a settlement worth Millions of US Dollars. There are thousands of equally moronic court cases taking place every year, AND THEY MUST STOP.
All previous lawsuits will be considered relevant during civil actions. There are people who make their living by suing others. In some cases, they work for a few weeks, "get injured" and then sue their employer for thousands or millions of dollars. Under present law, it usually doesn't matter how many of these cases you've filed. You can be suing your 200th employer under false pretenses, but the judge will never consider it. When I rule, litigation happy freeloaders will be kicked out of court, thus denying them their source of income.

Below are a list of crimes, and the corresponding penalties they will incur. These are the punishments for adults. I'm still constructing a solid policy on juvenile crime. Sometimes, the most severe penalties do not take place until the third offense. I wait until the third offense for two reasons:

  1. You get a chance to truly reform.
  2. It is possible for someone to be framed or convicted of a crime they did not commit.
Keep in mind, these sentences are what people will actually serve. These are the MINIMUM SENTENCES criminals can receive. Any judge who gives a lighter sentence will be beheaded.

Crimes and Punishments

The Crime
The Consequences
Pedophile, First Offense 10 years in prison plus 10 Years probation during which they can not be within 200 yards of anyone under the age of 18. Must register with local police department for duration of probation
Pedophile, Second Offense Chemical Castration. 20 years of regular injections that remove the ability to achieve an erection. Must register as sex offender for rest of life. Public beatings every 2 months for duration of probation
Pedophile, Third Offense Castration. Not the chemical kind. We use a chopping block and specialized guillotine. No anesthetic. The point is to make an example. DON'T TOUCH LITTLE KIDS!!!!!!!!
Premeditated Murder, First Offense 20 years in prison minimum. No chance of parole until the 20 years are up.
Premeditated Murder, Second Offense Life in prison. Let them rot as an example to others.
Premeditated Murder, Third Offense "Off with his head!" I plan to use the guillotine for executions. Why? Because it is actually the most humane way to execute someone. Electrocution, Lethal Injection and the Gas Chamber all take time, inflict great pain and cause general suffering. Removal of one's head results in pretty much instantaneous death. The French developed the thing as a humanitarian advancement, because previous methods of beheading often required nine or more strokes with an ax!
Double Homicide, First Offense Life in prison. Let them rot as an example to others.
Double Homicide, Second Offense "Off with his head!"
Three or More Victims in a Murder, First Offense. "Off with his head!"
Stalking, First Offense Restraining Order. 1 year minimum duration, distance set by stalking victim. NO less than 100 yards, no more than 2 miles. Victim will have the option of forcing the stalker to well a cow bell at all times.
Stalking, Second Offense Restraining Order. Lifetime duration. Distance set by victim, minimum 1 mile, maximum 20 miles. Restraining order can only be lifted by victim.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, First convicted offense Ten years working as an employee of Leona Helmsley.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, Second Offense Ten years in prison with a large (at least 250 pounds), muscular bisexual cellmate.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, Third Offense Chemical castration.
KNOWINGLY PURSUING FALSE CHARGES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT Ten years in prison as cellmate of convicted sexual harasser. (Contraceptive measures mandatory, of course -- wouldn't want 'em to start breeding.)

This is only a preliminary list. I'm still working on additions. My big problem is that I'll see or hear something on TV, Radio, Slashdot CNN etc that gives me an idea of something that needs to be done, but by the time I sit down at my computer I've forgotten the new law! Any additions to my list will be eagerly accepted, and if I like them, added to this page with your name listed as a contributor. Just post your recommendation in the comments below.

Please read Peter's Evil Overlord List to see where I drew my inspiration for this nonsense.

Suggested punishments

From: "Robin M. Weare"
To: "Matthew Miller"
Subject: Suggested punishments
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 18:46:03 -0800

I'm tempted to take issue with a couple of your punishments, but instead,
here's a few additions regarding offenses that really get under my hide...

1. SEXUAL HARASSMENT: First convicted offense, ten years working as an
employee of Leona Helmsley. Second offense, ten years in prison with a
large (at least 250 pounds), muscular bisexual cellmate. Third convicted
offense, chemical castration.

prison as cellmate of convicted sexual harasser. (Contraceptive measures
mandatory, of course -- wouldn't want 'em to start breeding.)

OR "SOCIALISM = NAZIISM": First convicted offense: automatic death
penalty. This is a particular pet peeve of mine, and enacting this will
help to both clean up Usenet and the human gene pool. I offered free
space on my home page for any candidate that would adopt this as part
of his platform during the last election, but no one bit.

WARS GANGS: First offense, public flogging, with ten blows for each
repetition of the offense (each newsgroup spammed counts as another
repetition). Second offense, twenty blows for each, spaced over
monthly sessions as necessary. Third offense, amputation of fingers
to prevent use of keyboard. For actual membership in a troll gang,
amputation of fingers on first offense, along with amputation of
tongue to ensure that speech-recognition software cannot be used
either, with a death penalty for the second offense.