Diets of the Past

Cribbed from http://www.lileks.com

1965 It’s the latest diet, ladies: Karo Syrup and Mazola. I’m not kidding. They’re not kidding. No one’s kidding. You were supposed to mix Karo Syrup, Mazola, some dextrose and evaporated milk. And that’s all you got for the day. No cottage cheese, no melba toast. That’s IT. The lady is not wearing a dress made out of newspapers - that’s from the wet ink on the facing page. By some peculiar coincidence, this diet came from CORN PRODUCTS company, which made . . . well, you figure it out.

Polygamy. and Gay Rights, is there a connection?

A friend wrote Ironically, one of the main arguments they're pushing is that this would open the door to polygamy...

To which I replied:

I've been wondering, how would one implement Polly marriages in 21st century America? Who would have what custody rights over kids? Think of all the database that would have to be completely rewritten to accommodate multiple spouses!

Caps on how many spouses you can put on a company's health plan?

The logistics hurt my mind.

I think Polly unions aren't likely to become legal just because of the practicality of implementation. Gay Marriages are incredibly simple by comparison. I've nothing against either, but the amount of work involved in making Polly marriages happen legally will keep it from becoming a reality until such tome as 80% of the population is clamoring for it and making it a litmus test issue for political support.

Perhaps in a generation or two.

That said, I want to see gay marriages in the near future, if for no other reason than I know a couple lesbian couples who would be wonderful examples of good marriages in general if they got hitched.

In my opinion, anyone who seriously raises the threat of Polly marriages as an argument against gay marriages is hoisting a straw man and using it as a scare tactic. It's not a real progression, and I doubt most people who support gay marriages also support polly relationships. The argument irks me in a number of ways.

Part of me suspects such an argument was concocted by a conservative who couldn't wrap their minds around the idea that people really could be "gay" and not still want to have sex with the opposite sex. I can just see a Pat Robertson type mulling over the idea and concluding that gays must have their same sex partner for "perversion" and an opposite sex lover for "real" sex.

Aside form the fact that I don't consider gay marriages to polly marriages a real or possible progression, the argument that such a transition would be "logical" is an insult to those who are gay and not bi. It smacks of a condescending parent patting a child's head and saying "There there, we know you're not REALLY gay son, sooner or later you'll find a nice girl you like and settle down."

Of course, this is all from someone who has not been a part of the gay rights movement in any way, so I'm pretty tout of touch with the communities involved. Most of what I've been saying is based on my own beliefs and views, and I freely confess that my experiences are drawn from a relatively small scope. I could be way off base, and I'd appreciate anyone who knows more telling me if I'm wrong.

I've yet to see any evidence that people who are not 100% heterosexual are any different than the rest of society, and I see no reason for them to be discriminated against and kept out of the legal and religious institutions that the rest of society cherishes.

Security Through Obscuri--- Never Mind

Well, Windows source code has been leaked. It's "littered with profanity" and the leaked code represents "15% of the total source code for the operating system."

I hope this will result the end of Microsoft touting the tight control they have over their source code as a reason to buy Windows.

Because, well, it isn't true anymore.

I knew there was a reason I wore my comfy Tux fleece today. :)

On the prospect of same sex weddings

To Whom it may concern,

I am a Heterosexual male. I am engaged to be married to a Heterosexual female. I am a moderate politically, and consider myself Christian religiously. I was raised in a home that was conservative, both politically and religiously.

I am in favor of legalizing gay marriage.

I do not find the concept offensive to my beliefs, and even if it did grind against my personal moral code, it is not my right, nor is it the right of our government, to deny marriage to same sex couples.

This is a nation of differences, founded on the concept of freedom of religion and the freedom of belief.

Forcing the conservative idea of "Marriage is one man and one woman" onto the entire nation is little different than forcing all restaurants to serve only kosher food, or requiring women to cover their faces in public. It is a belief founded on the conservative views of a number of religions, but not necessarily the majority of Americans.

Gay marriage neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

I know there are many people who are violently disgusted by the sight of two men holding hands. I am equally offended by people who hold up signs claiming that gays are going to Hell, but I, as an American do not try to stop them. It is their right to state their beliefs, no matter how offensive I find them.

It is their right to live their life the way they want, and that applies to heterosexuals and homosexuals alike.

IE patch breaks Exchange Webmail

We (The company where I work) have learned that there are issues with the 2-10-2004 Critical update patch from Microsoft. If you install it on an Exchange 2000 server, it interferes with the web mail interface. Specifically, clicking on a message results in a 404 error if you're using Internet Explorer as your web browser.

Netscape and Mozilla seem to work fine, so the bug seems to be in the code Microsoft uses to add functions to IE users that are not available in other browsers.

This happens when the patch is installed on the server, and it doesn't seem to matter if the client has the patch installed.

Gang rape in Japan now against the law (It wasn't before)

Mainichi Interactive - Top News

Japan set to criminalize gang rape

The first major revision to Japan's criminal penalties in almost 100 years is set to include jail terms for gang rapists, according to the Justice Ministry.

The planned revision to the Penal Code, introduced in 1907, has been prompted by demands from crime victims for more serious punishments.

Following a headline-making case of gang rape committed by students from prestigious Waseda University, the Justice Ministry has called for criminalization of gang rape for the first time in Japan.

Under the revision program tabled to an expert panel for discussion, the ministry plans to institute at least four years imprisonment for gang rape.

The proposal apparently also includes increasing maximum prison terms for serious crimes such as murder, rape committed alone, assault causing injury, and molestation.The maximum term for an individual who commits more than two of these crimes is set to be increased from 20 years to 30 years.

Thanks to the improvement in identification procedures using state-of-the art technology, the ministry also plans to give law enforcers to more time than now to charge criminals.

The ministry plans to submit a bill for the revision program to the Penal Code and the Criminal Procedure Law after the expert panel issues an opinion report.(Mainichi Shimbun, Japan, Feb. 11, 2004)

This is interesting for a lot of reasons. Read the whole article, and you'll find penalties for "molestation" are being toughened in addition to criminalizing gang rape.

For those who don't know, there is a very disturbing sub culture of men who will feel up, harass and just about rape women on the big city subways of Japan. I don't know how wide spread this is, but stopping the practice has been hindered by a lack of laws against the practice, and the difficulty in catching some anonymous hands violating a woman who is facing the other way, and unable to turn around due to the confines of the train.

I've heard of books on how to molest women that are popular in Japan, and proponents of the activity who go on talk shows to advocate their actions.

All in all, it's a pretty depressing situation for women in Japan. Hopefully this will be a significant step to fight sexual violence against women.

Chainsaw + breasts = OUCH!

IOL : Actress's breasts sliced in chainsaw mishap

Actress's breasts sliced in chainsaw mishap

February 11 2004 at 01:21PM

Berlin - A German actress was taken to hospital after an artist injured her breasts while trying to cut open her bra with a chainsaw during a rehearsal for a stage show, she told a newspaper on Wednesday.

"It was the worst moment of my life. I thought, Sibylle, you're going to die," the actress, former porn star Sibylle Rauch, told Bild newspaper.

The chainsaw operator, performance artist Marko Koenig, said Rauch was lying down during the rehearsal on Monday and suddenly bent forward just as he was applying the saw to her bra.

"I couldn't pull back the chainsaw quickly enough and cut her breast and stomach. It was terrible," he told Bild.

The hospital in Karlsruhe, south-west Germany, where Rauch was treated, declined to give details of her injuries. "We are not authorised to comment on our patients," a spokesperson said.

To add insult to injury, the former porn star in question had a very nice rack.

The end of Cheap Oil and the devastation to follow

So, there are people who say the world is running out of oil, and that the oil will become more and more expensive to mine. The ultimate results would be dire. We would lose pretty much all of the productivity and production capability we've gained since the 1700's. Food production would be crippled by the loss of inexpensive oil, and thousands, millions, billions could die.

And I get to be part of the generation that would see it happen. Great.

In the context of a contracting oil supply Bush's "War on Terror" becomes more a war for survival to give the US control of the scant Oil reserves left in the world.

It's all pretty depressing, as it means my kids (when I have some) would stand a good chance of starving to death, or be killed off in a global war.

Alternate fuel sources are not rolled out to the scale where they would be necessary to sustain us through the collapse of oil, and it may already be too late to ramp up and install the necessary infrastructure.

And of course, the Baby Boomers who have helped ignore the problem for so long will be dying off from old age when the worst happens. Gen X, Y and "Why Me" aren't much better, as we're a bunch of whiners fostering the culture of victimization, and we aren't doing much more to develop alternate fuel sources and agricultural methods.

Naturally, there are plenty of people who think the whole idea is for the tinfoil hat crowd.

Welcome to the end of the world friends.

BOO!

Oooh, I'm so frightened!

Converted from a Powerpoint presentation that was circulating around the office, and scaring the Hell out of some of the more cowardly staff.

NeverWinter Nights (NWN) Patch 1.23.6734

This essay is listed under "Internet Culture" on my web site because this isn't a review of Boiware's NeverWinter Nights, but a review of an unusual decision they made in distributing patch number 1.23.6734. Let me quote the readme:

Patch details:
Neverwinter Nights Game
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
- We have removed SecureROM disk checking.

Let me explain why that last line is significant.

NeverWinter Nights requires the "Play Disk" be inserted in CD ROM Drive in order to play the game. SecureROM was the copy protection system used to ensure someone didn't just burn a copy of the CD and use that instead.

This had two consequences.

You couldn't play the game using a backup CD. I found this to be an issue because my Play Disk was getting badly scratched, and I found out a batch of the first run disks had a tendancy to crack and require replacement. Boiware had an official response of replacing the CDs.

You couldn't play under Linux and Wine. NWN has had active Linux players since day one. This is because a Linux client has been promised, and by and large, it's fairly easy to get the Windows executable up and running under Linux using WINE. Sadly, SecureROM prevented the game from running under Linux, as Linux and Wine did not provide the access SecureROM needed to validate the game disk.

There have been tech issues created by the copy protection.

Removing SecureROM accomplishes several things.

Allows Linux players to play NWN using Wine. This should reduce the number of whiny "When will the Linux client be out" e-mails bioware must get on a daily basis.

Allows players to use backup CDS. The first day after installing the patch I spent an hour playing with a backup CD. The original CDS now rest comfortably in the box, awaiting the day when I need to reinstall for one reason or another.

Ends the cycle of unauthorized patches. Web sites that specialize in "No CD" patches and the like have been releasing updated cracks for each and every NWN release. I suspect that continually rewriting the SecureROM detection code for every patch was one of the reasons the higher ups at NWN decided to end the cycle.

Shows an unprecedented level of faith and trust in the customers. To the best of my knowledge no company that was using CD COpy protection has subsequently released a patch that disabled it. It's unheard of, and it was a refreshing change of pace in the days the RIAA trying to cripple America's technology infrastructure for the purpose of maintaining control of music distribution.

Personally, I applaud boiware for releasing this patch, and hope other companies follow suit.

You can view some discussion threads on this patch in the Boiware tech support forums.

Chemical Contamination Endangers East Coast

The Massachusetts Water supply has been found to contain dihydrogen monoxide.

This acid can cause corrosion in a variety of substances, irreversibly damaging wood, paint, metal and most structural components.

Prolonged human exposure can cause loss of skin oils, discomfort, encourage bacterial infection and in some extreme cases, death.

In pure form, it is clear, odorless and tasteless.

Numerous organisms, many harmful to humans, thrive on this chemical.

This chemical also damages electrical components and destroys paper products.

Thousands of deaths a year can be attributed both directly and indirectly to dihydrogen monoxide. One recent, and spectacular death, involved an unfortunate man who handled electrical components that had come into contact with dihydrogen monoxide. While electrocution was the direct cause of death, the electrical device would have posed no threat if the dihydrogen monoxide had not destroyed the device's insulation.

Presence of dihydrogen monoxide in the lungs prevents the absorption of Oxygen, and results in death.

There has even been one case reported where excessive quantities of dihydrogen monoxide caused electrolytes to be flushed from the body, resulting in death. This however, appears to be a suicide.

Dihydrogen monoxide intake can be correlated with an increased need to urinate as the chemical is flushed from the body.

Recent studies have revealed that most Americans have large deposits of dihydrogen monoxide in their bodies.

Withdrawal from dihydrogen monoxide intake is generally fatal.

It's production and distribution is legal and unregulated aside from rudimentary purity laws.

Please take the appropriate precautions.

Chemical Contamination Endangers East Coast

The Massachusetts Water supply has been found to contain dihydrogen monoxide.

This acid can cause corrosion in a variety of substances, irreversibly damaging wood, paint, metal and most structural components.

Prolonged human exposure can cause loss of skin oils, discomfort, encourage bacterial infection and in some extreme cases, death.

In pure form, it is clear, odorless and tasteless.

Numerous organisms, many harmful to humans, thrive on this chemical.

This chemical also damages electrical components and destroys paper products.

Thousands of deaths a year can be attributed both directly and indirectly to dihydrogen monoxide. One recent, and spectacular death, involved an unfortunate man who handled electrical components that had come into contact with dihydrogen monoxide. While electrocution was the direct cause of death, the electrical device would have posed no threat if the dihydrogen monoxide had not destroyed the device's insulation.

Presence of dihydrogen monoxide in the lungs prevents the absorption of Oxygen, and results in death.

There has even been one case reported where excessive quantities of dihydrogen monoxide caused electrolytes to be flushed from the body, resulting in death. This however, appears to be a suicide.

Dihydrogen monoxide intake can be correlated with an increased need to urinate as the chemical is flushed from the body.

Recent studies have revealed that most Americans have large deposits of dihydrogen monoxide in their bodies.

Withdrawal from dihydrogen monoxide intake is generally fatal.

It's production and distribution is legal and unregulated aside from rudimentary purity laws.

Please take the appropriate precautions.

When Matthew is Evil Overlord

Someday, I plan to become the Evil Overlord of the Earth. When I achieve this goal I will implement my plan for Thinning the Herd.

I got the phrase "Thinning the Herd" from a nature documentary I saw on PBS years and years ago. I watched a lion take down a sick deer, and began to draw parallels with human reproduction. Now, before people start screaming and panicking I want to make a few points clear. I am not advocating any kind of active "cleansing" process. Imagine for a moment that all the lions in the area are put in a massive pit. All the deer, (They understand English for the purposes of this illustration) are then told, "All the lions are over there. If you go there they will eat you." In present day society we waste time and energy watching those deer, grabbing them and dragging them away from the lions every time one of the dumber ones wander towards certain death. We even penalize others for failing to keep those deer away from the lions!

My idea would be simple: Let the dumb deer wander into death, thus removing themselves from the gene pool. The end result: Smarter deer.

Let's be blunt. There are a whole slew of stupid and destructive people in the world. They reproduce and raise children who are as lacking in basic intelligence and/or morality as they. What can be done?

Someday, I will be the Evil Overlord of the Earth. I won't bore you with the details of how this will come to be, or the specifics of how you can become part of my new world order. Right now, I'll just out line what I will do, so you can decide early on if you plan to oppose me or join me. Such things need to be settled now, before someone starts killing people for a cause they'll later rebel against.

Now, there will be two primary goals of my administration. I will allow the bottom feeders of civilization to eliminate themselves from the gene pool, and I will dispose of the undesirable elements of society through a series of laws and regulations focused on the judicious use of punishments that fit the crime.

The main premise of "Thinning the Herd" is that some people are just too stupid to be allowed to reproduce. This stupidity has nothing to do with race, religion or geographic location. Unfortunately, there are a number of safety guards our society has put in place that allows these people to stay alive and continue to reproduce. "Thinning the Herd" consists of removing these safeguard, thus adding a little chlorine to the gene pool.

So far only one person has submitted ideas for possible laws. I've posted her full list of submissions. I've added a couple of them to this page. As a general rule, if part of the law is a link, it will take you to either a full list of that submitter's laws, or the submitter's homepage, which every they prefer.

How to Thin the Herd

The Law	The Rational
Stupid warning labels will be removed from all products	If you use Windex to clean your contact lenses, you deserve to suffer. If you inhale White-Out, you deserve to die, and if you're stupid enough to put your mouth on a compressed air canister and open the valve, you are clearly not someone who should not reproduce.
A set of laws will be passed protecting manufactures from what I like to call "Injuries or fatalities resulting from a foolhardy use of the product."	Some years ago, a man bought an RV. The salesman explained the concept of "Cruise Control" to the man, a new feature at the time. The man bought the RV, and left the dealership. One day he was driving down the highway and put the RV on Cruise Control, left the driver's seat, and went into the RV's kitchenette to make a sandwich. In a few minutes the RV crashed and rolled over. The man successfully sued the dealership for failing to adequately explain the difference between "Cruise Control" on a car, and "Automatic Pilot" on an airplane. He won a settlement worth Millions of US Dollars. There are thousands of equally moronic court cases taking place every year, AND THEY MUST STOP.
All previous lawsuits will be considered relevant during civil actions.	There are people who make their living by suing others. In some cases, they work for a few weeks, "get injured" and then sue their employer for thousands or millions of dollars. Under present law, it usually doesn't matter how many of these cases you've filed. You can be suing your 200th employer under false pretenses, but the judge will never consider it. When I rule, litigation happy freeloaders will be kicked out of court, thus denying them their source of income.

Below are a list of crimes, and the corresponding penalties they will incur. These are the punishments for adults. I'm still constructing a solid policy on juvenile crime. Sometimes, the most severe penalties do not take place until the third offense. I wait until the third offense for two reasons:

1. You get a chance to truly reform.
2. It is possible for someone to be framed or convicted of a crime they did not commit.

Keep in mind, these sentences are what people will actually serve. These are the MINIMUM SENTENCES criminals can receive. Any judge who gives a lighter sentence will be beheaded.

Crimes and Punishments

The Crime	The Consequences
Pedophile, First Offense	10 years in prison plus 10 Years probation during which they can not be within 200 yards of anyone under the age of 18. Must register with local police department for duration of probation
Pedophile, Second Offense	Chemical Castration. 20 years of regular injections that remove the ability to achieve an erection. Must register as sex offender for rest of life. Public beatings every 2 months for duration of probation
Pedophile, Third Offense	Castration. Not the chemical kind. We use a chopping block and specialized guillotine. No anesthetic. The point is to make an example. DON'T TOUCH LITTLE KIDS!!!!!!!!
Premeditated Murder, First Offense	20 years in prison minimum. No chance of parole until the 20 years are up.
Premeditated Murder, Second Offense	Life in prison. Let them rot as an example to others.
Premeditated Murder, Third Offense	"Off with his head!" I plan to use the guillotine for executions. Why? Because it is actually the most humane way to execute someone. Electrocution, Lethal Injection and the Gas Chamber all take time, inflict great pain and cause general suffering. Removal of one's head results in pretty much instantaneous death. The French developed the thing as a humanitarian advancement, because previous methods of beheading often required nine or more strokes with an ax!
Double Homicide, First Offense	Life in prison. Let them rot as an example to others.
Double Homicide, Second Offense	"Off with his head!"
Three or More Victims in a Murder, First Offense.	"Off with his head!"
Stalking, First Offense	Restraining Order. 1 year minimum duration, distance set by stalking victim. NO less than 100 yards, no more than 2 miles. Victim will have the option of forcing the stalker to well a cow bell at all times.
Stalking, Second Offense	Restraining Order. Lifetime duration. Distance set by victim, minimum 1 mile, maximum 20 miles. Restraining order can only be lifted by victim.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, First convicted offense	Ten years working as an employee of Leona Helmsley.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, Second Offense	Ten years in prison with a large (at least 250 pounds), muscular bisexual cellmate.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, Third Offense	Chemical castration.
KNOWINGLY PURSUING FALSE CHARGES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT	Ten years in prison as cellmate of convicted sexual harasser. (Contraceptive measures mandatory, of course -- wouldn't want 'em to start breeding.)

This is only a preliminary list. I'm still working on additions. My big problem is that I'll see or hear something on TV, Radio, Slashdot CNN etc that gives me an idea of something that needs to be done, but by the time I sit down at my computer I've forgotten the new law! Any additions to my list will be eagerly accepted, and if I like them, added to this page with your name listed as a contributor. Just post your recommendation in the comments below.

Please read Peter's Evil Overlord List to see where I drew my inspiration for this nonsense.

Suggested punishments

From: "Robin M. Weare"
To: "Matthew Miller"
Subject: Suggested punishments
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 18:46:03 -0800

I'm tempted to take issue with a couple of your punishments, but instead,
here's a few additions regarding offenses that really get under my hide...

1. SEXUAL HARASSMENT: First convicted offense, ten years working as an
employee of Leona Helmsley. Second offense, ten years in prison with a
large (at least 250 pounds), muscular bisexual cellmate. Third convicted
offense, chemical castration.

2. KNOWINGLY PURSUING FALSE CHARGES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT: ten years in
prison as cellmate of convicted sexual harasser. (Contraceptive measures
mandatory, of course -- wouldn't want 'em to start breeding.)

3. DELIBERATELY STARTING USENET THREAD SUCH AS "IS SOCIALISM NAZIISM?"
OR "SOCIALISM = NAZIISM": First convicted offense: automatic death
penalty. This is a particular pet peeve of mine, and enacting this will
help to both clean up Usenet and the human gene pool. I offered free
space on my home page for any candidate that would adopt this as part
of his platform during the last election, but no one bit.

4. TROLLING OR SPAMMING USENET NEWSGROUPS, PARTICULARLY MEMBERSHIP
IN KNOWN TROLLING GROUPS SUCH AS THE ARMY OF MEOW OR THE HELL FLAME
WARS GANGS: First offense, public flogging, with ten blows for each
repetition of the offense (each newsgroup spammed counts as another
repetition). Second offense, twenty blows for each, spaced over
monthly sessions as necessary. Third offense, amputation of fingers
to prevent use of keyboard. For actual membership in a troll gang,
amputation of fingers on first offense, along with amputation of
tongue to ensure that speech-recognition software cannot be used
either, with a death penalty for the second offense.


Robin

Diane the Secretary

At the time of the events described on this page, I also had an Intern working with me named Andy. One day, Diane was hired to act as an "Administrative Assistant" to the President, and myself. The first thing that struck me about Diane was her haircut. She looked EXACTLY like an actress I'd seen in a German porno. The second thing I noticed (something several people commented on after she quit) was the excessive ammount of perfume she used. She probably bathed in it. You could smell her from nine yards without difficulty. It was nice perfume, but it was too much of a good thing.

07/19/1999 Shortly after her first day.
In a meeting with a network consultant Diane had brought in, we were discussing our dialup access to the Internet. At the time we were being charged a per minute fee by Bell Atlantic. The following exchange occurred:
Diane: (To the consultant) And whenever our computers talk to each other, Bell Atlantic gets a piece of that.
ME: Actually, no. The Microsoft Networking and Novell Server are all through our internal Ethernet network. (Firm that installed our network) and I placed all those lines. We own them. The only time Bell Atlantic gets anything is when someone uses their modem to connect to the Internet.
Diane: But Bell Atlantic charges us for it. (In a "I'm telling, not asking" tone of voice)
(Sadly, this was not the first time the difference between the LAN and the Internet was a problem for her)

03:51:41 PM
07/22/1999
Diane: My computer can't log on.
ME: What do you mean?
Diane: PFFT. Well I think "Can't log on" is pretty self explanatory.
ME: Can't log on to Novell, can't log onto a shared computer, can't log onto the net?
Diane: It can't log on.
(Turned out she couldn't log onto the Proxy server for her Internet connection.)

(Diane was having printer trouble a few minutes after the above quote. A document was coming out scrambeled. The following exchange took place)
Diane: Well, it doesn't have any trouble when I print to the other printer.
ME: (Knowing she meant the Laserjet 4 in sales, and she'd just printed to a Laserjet 5) Well, it's probably a difference in the printer drivers. You wouldn't believe the trouble we've had taking Word files from one printer to the next. Just print it to the Laserjet 4 in Sales.
Diane: How. (Glaring at me)
ME: They're both networked printers.
Diane: But I can't log on. You said something about Mike's computer having to be logged in. (Mike's computer is the Proxy server she's using for Internet access)
ME: That's for Internet access. Everything else is on our own internal network. (She gave me a blank stare) The printers are on our LAN, not the Internet.
Diane: But I can't get into Netscape.
(I walked over, re-installed the Sales printer as a Networked printer and she was good to go.)

Just before she left for the day.
Diane: I had the same problem as yesterday. I couldn't save a file to the server.
ME: Did you log into Novell?
Diane: Oh, no, this has nothing to do with Novell. I just can't save to the server.
ME: It's a Novell server. If you don't log in, you can't save files to it.
She walked off and said:
Diane: Never mind. I saved it to the desktop. I'll grab the file Friday.

09:48:25 AM
07/23/1999
The president has some of his letters sent out on smaller than normal paper. This paper has a preprinted header and footer identical to what's on our regular 8.5 x 11 letterhead. Diane walked into my office...
Diane: We're running low on this, (Holding out the President's letterhead) where is it on the server?
ME: Well, this has the old email address, so it was designed a while ago. We don't print the letterhead internally, we normally outsource it. I don't think it's on the server but let me-
Diane: Well, that's not what Dennis said. I'll take this to him.
(She darted off, and while she was gone I looked up the letterhead templates on the server and found the template for the 8.5x11 letterhead. She came back into the room to put one of the few remaining pieces of the President's letterhead in the printer.)
ME: Diane, I found the 8.5 by 11 letterhead. All we need to do is change the paper size-
Diane: Forget it. I measured the paper so we should be fine.
(She printed the letter and walked off, bragging about how she'd saved a template to the server that as far as I could determine, had the paper size and margins set to print on the President's smaller letterhead...)

10:45:52 AM
Quick Note: It really bothers me when Diane LIES about how many instances of a temperamental application is running when I can see the taskbar on her computer!

11:25:35 AM
Diane: Hey, Matthew! (All sweetness) We've had a "Toner Low" message on the Sales printer for a few days now, and it's really starting to show. I guess that'd be your department then, huh?
ME: Not usually. It's not that hard to change the print cartridge. Just open up a new one, pull the old one out and pop a new one in. Mark it on the log sheet.
Diane: Well, I don't want to grab the wrong cartridge. They're sealed, aren't they?
ME: Yep, and the boxes have a label saying what printer they go in.
Diane: OK, change it soon then. (She walked off and proceeded to take coffee orders from everyone in the office. At least she had the decency to ask me if I wanted any)

11:53:42 AM
(Diane's "home" folder on the server has been in a subdirectory a couple of layers deep. Most other people have a directory off of the root, so Diane wanted one. She tried dragging the directory herself, when the network wouldn't let her, she came to me.)
Diane: Why can't I move a folder on the server?
ME: Do you have access priveleges to the directory?
Diane: We went through this. I told you I needed full access to everything on the server.
ME: The President doesn't even have full access.
Diane: But I told you I wanted full access.
ME: I asked (The Owner) about it, and he and I agreed that no one but the admin account should have full access.
(Diane glared at me for a moment)
Diane: Then move the folder for me.
(She explained what she wanted, so I opened up Explorer and was about to drag the "Diane" folder to f:\ )
Diane: Actually, I'd prefer you put it on the Z drive.
ME: Oh, this does the same thing. F:, M:, X:, Y: and Z: are all the same thing.
Diane: Yeah, but it's a lot easier for me to get at it if its under Z
ME: But they're all the same thing. All the network drives except 'U' map to exactly the same place.
Diane: Oh well, How am I doing? Yeah, whatever. (walks off)

05:47:08 PM
07/29/1999
Earlier in the day, Dennis made the following comment after Diane left the room:
"...that's the interesting thing about consulting. Once you do it once, you're an expert from then on. Just ask (Name of a consultant the firm had worked with). It doesn't matter how the job went. You're an expert."

Today, Diane brought me a flyer that, among other things had the following line:
Email: ets-inc.com

I replaced it with:
E-mail: info@ets-inc.com
WWW: www.ets-inc.com

The following exchange occurred:
Diane: Oh no, Dennis changed it. You're wrong.
ME: That's an invalid e-mail address. It won't work. You need an account name, followed by the @ and then a domain name.
Diane: Glad we caught it then. But I'll have to take it up with Dennis.

She then walked off.

About an hour later she walked back in and pointed to where I'd written:
WWW: www.ets-inc.com

Diane: Now, I've never seen a colon in a web page address.
ME: It's not part of the address. I just put that there to set it off from the e-mail address. No one types "e-mail" in front of the e-mail address.
Diane: Yea, well, Every e-mail address I've ever seen had the h-t-t-p and a colon. You have it in the wrong place.
ME: Actually, modern browsers don't need the HyperText Transfer Protocol designation anymore. They recognize it automatic-
Diane: Hey, the marines haven't been called out. You were wrong.

She then walked off.

Andrew, who had witnessed the whole conversation said: "Don't let it get to you. She just wants to get you mad. She wants you to loose your temper. Besides, I think she's beginning to learn her place."
ME: What do you mean?
Andy: I was talking to her today, and she said that, "As a consultant, you come in and you make suggestions of how to make a company run better, but when the owner doesn't want to make the changes, there isn't much you can do about it."
ME: Interesting.
Andy: I think she's realized she's just a secretary here.

12:13:27 PM
07/30/1999
I'm walking past Diane's office, and says my name. I walk over and:
ME: What's up?
Diane: Matt, if I'd wanted you to read my personal e-mail, I'd have asked you to read it.
ME: Excuse me?
Diane: The message on my computer. It's for a girlfriend of mine, and none of your business.
ME: Diane, I haven't done anything on your computer. I don't know what you're talking about.
Diane: Yea, well then, we'll just leave it at that.
ME: Diane, what are you talking about?

(Diane shot me a dirty look which made it very clear the conversation was over.

The poor woman is so paranoid it isn't even funny. I have NO idea what she was talking about.

Andy thinks her paranoia may be the result of years spent in corporate America. If that's the price you pay to be part of the "Rat Race" I think I'd rather have a little less money and a lot more joy in life. I don't think having a Jaguar is worth the cost on the human soul.

08/04/1999
04:36:46 PM
I was having a late lunch and Diane came in and said I had a phone call.
ME: Any idea who it is?
Diane: Yep.
(She turned and walked towards her office very slowly. I followed, thinking she was about to tell me useful information. She sat own in her seat and looked at me.)
Diane: Oh, you expected me to tell you? No hun, you have to find out yourself. Why do you need to know in advance anyway?
ME: Because for some kinds of calls, I need to get together certain information before I get on the line.
(I was thinking of some of our tech calls at the time)
Diane: Well, you'll just have to wing it then hun, won't you?
(I walked off. After I finished the call I walked back to the conference room to finish my lunch, and as I walked by...)
Diane: See, that wasn't too bad, now was it? (She then started to cackle, and I swear to God she sounded just like the Wicked Witch of the West. The whole situation reminded me of the kind of petty behavior I haven't seen since high school.)

08/10/1999
09:06:03 AM
Today is Tuesday, and Friday was a hoot!

The long and the short of it is, Diane has quit, leaving for another job. She told some people she'll be making in the "lower 6 figures," and told others she's making $78,000.

Andy told me of the following exchange:
Andy was walking past Diane's office last week, and she motioned for him to come over.
Diane: I can get into some web pages, but not others. I can't get to my bank site to check my balance. Do you think Matt could be blocking my access to certain sites?
(Andy laughed in response. It turned out the version of PPPShar I was using to proxy her Internet access didn't support secure connections.)

Chris told me about this conversation that occurred outside the office:
Diane: The only reason I'm here is because I heard Dennis pays a bonus.
Chris: That's true.
Diane: Well, when do we get it?
Chris: At the end of the year.
Diane: (Offended) Well, why don't we get it now?
Chris: You'll have to ask Dennis that. You work for a year and then you'll be eligible for the bonus.
(Diane than matched in to Dennis and asked for a raise. This was her FIRST WEEK on the job!)

A few last things about Diane.
She told Dennis that "There is too lax a management style here," and that it was a, "Very unprofessional," workplace. It's a small company, what did she expect? Corporate paranoia??????

She's 30, only 7 years older than me. Her husband makes "in the upper six figures," and was an engineer on the Apollo Moon landings. He's in his 60's and thanks to her marrying him, she has two step children in their mid 20's. She has no children of her own.

Comments people made after she left:

One of the sales staff: "She was too bossy. She had a dick. I know she had a dick."

Another member of sales: "What did she do, bathe in that perfume?"