Blast from the Past: Diakatana team to develop Windows 2004

I was going over the web logs for my site, and found a lot of people were STILL trying to load an old gag piece I wrote back in 2001 entitled "Diakatana team to develop Windows 2004." I decided to dig up an archive of the file and put it back on my web site.

This was written back when Windows 2000 was still fresh. XP was still called "Whistler" and most Windows fans were hoping Whistler would be as major an improvement over 2000 as 2000 was over 98se or NT. No one really liked to think about Windows ME, and the massive disappointment of Vista's "Same old with higher specifications" was over half a decade in the future.

Notice the gag "No one would need this for JUST the OS" system specifications I used for the 2001 article:

"5 gigs of hard drive space, 1 gig of RAM and a 3.0 Ghz CPU"

While this isn't far off from the actual hardware requirements for Windows Vista, the article was written in 2001, when 1 Ghz chips were just hitting the market and DDR SDRAM was selling at $90 for 64MBytes, the minimum amount of RAM needed for Windows 2000 Professional. W2K Server only cranked it up to 256 Megs.

Most of the humor comes from the frustrating nature of Diakatana itself, particularly as it had been in development for YEARS and had switched core engines at least once.

Diakatana team to develop Windows 2004

Steve Balmer announced at a press conference Tuesday, that John Romero, lead developer off ION Storm's hit video game Diakatana, has been hired by Microsoft to work on the new NT 6.0 er- Windows 2004 OS.

"We were looking for someone who could take the DirectX graphics engine and mold it into something new," Balmer told reporters. "John's work on Diakatana showed us he had the stuff of a true Microsoft programmer."

One reporter asked, "Didn't he just take someone else's code, hype it up for years, release it late and over budget, and cram it full of 'features' that no one wanted but couldn't be disabled?"

"Exactly," Balmer replied. "The stuff of a true Microsoft programmer."

Balmer then turned the press conference over to Romero.

"We're very excited about this new project," Romero said. "I've got my entire development team from Diakatana working with me, at least the ones who stayed with ION until we shipped. KillCreek will be designing the new interfaces and menu systems between Playboy shoots, and I'll be working on code stability. The best part is, since every product Microsoft makes is now integrated into the OS, we'll be influencing the entire product line."

"As everyone knows, the Microsoft Assistant introduced with Office 97 will be integrated into the Operating Systems itself. We've added Superfly Johnson from Diakatana as the default agent, but 'Clippy' the paperclip will still be available as an instillation option. We're even integrating the AI components from Diakatana into the Operating system. Superfly will help you find the 'save jems' necessary to write your Word and Excel documents to disk, as well as narrating help files in long cut scenes where he and Clippy read off every possible solution whenever the AI thinks you need assistance."

"We're ditching the command prompt completely, but all remote administration will be possible from any Windows 2004 or X-Box with a DSL or faster Internet connection. Passwords are a thing of the past, and will be replaced with puzzles where you have to find the 'passkey' that matches the server you want to access."

"What do you expect the system requirements to be?" asked an interviewer from NewsForge.

"The base OS install will need about 5 gigs of hard drive space, 1 gig of RAM and a 3.0 Gh CPU. We're working with Nvidea to develop 3D graphics cards that will meet our specifications. Today's cards don't even have the power to display the planned menu animations and startup screens, let alone the full screen video necessary for actually launching an application. Naturally, the hard drive space requirement will be reduced slightly if you select the 'Run from CD' option. Of course, doing that means you'll have to have the CD in your computer at all times if you want to run the operating system, even if you select a 'full install.'"

"What kind of new security features will be available in Windows 2004?" Asked a nervous looking Peter Norton.

"Glad you asked," Romero said. "All viruses and intruders will be represented as dangerous mechanical frogs that are the exact same color as the background. You, Superfly and Clippy will hunt them down with a variety of weapons including the WinRocketLauncher and the WinReallyBigSword."

"Will you be able to disable any of these new features?" Asked a reported from Windows Magazine.

"Why would you want to do that?" Romero replied.

Waving off further questions, Romero finished the press conference with a bold challenge. "Ever since Microsoft invented the graphical interface, Windows has been the OS that looked the best, and that edge will be maintained at all costs. Microsoft will always be the best looking Operating System with the most bells and whistles in the interface." Romero paused for dramatic effect and said, "Windows 2004 will be a real Linux killer!"

The Microsoft drones in attendance gave Romero a standing ovation, lead by Balmer himself.

After the conference, Peter Norton announced that the Norton Utilities for Windows 2004 will include, "A laser scope and infra-red sights to help you find those blasted robotic frogs, a special mod pack to enhance your aim and an Internet multiplayer patch so your friends can help you hunt down the viruses on your system."

Linus was unavailable for comment on the "Linux Killer" comment, as he still laughing when this article went to print.
matthewmiller.net

Aug 13, 2001

Lunch

Lunch consisted of some hot dogs and a side dish of vegetables and a dill dipping sauce. All around tasty and higher in vegetable matter than a lot of the lunches I've been having lately.

The Farm Share is picking up, so my wife and I are getting organic, locally grown vegetables every week as a result. Three other families who live in our area have shares form the same location, and we're splitting up the responsibility of heading down to Jamaica Plain for the pickup.

I haven't been posting to the food blog lately, due in part to the massive amount of time taken up by the process of getting the house ready for, and cleaning up after, our Fourth of July party. I'm going to try and be better about posting, and hopefully be better about preparing healthier meals. It'll be hard not to, with all the vegetables in the house now.

My First Photos of Nut Island

It's called Nut Island, but as the satellite view shows, it's presently a well cared for peninsula. There's a single building on the "island" and the rest is essentially a seaside park, nestled in a protected section of Boston harbor. These photos were taken with my cell phone camera after slipping past a safety rail for a closer view of the harbor.

Mimi Pearl in a basket

Mimi Pearl is a cute little foster bunny my wife and I are caring for as part of our work with the House Rabbit Network. She was one of the domestic rabbits someone had dumped in Plymouth, MA. My wife and I have been part of the effort to capture these domestic rabbits, spay and neuter them if necessary and find them new homes.

The Front Yard

Here is the front yard (Tiny, isn't it?) after my mother in law spent most the Saturday before July 4 digging it up, planting new flowers and mulching to discourage weeds.

Why was Vaillancourt silent for 20 Years?

Steve Vaillancourt accused Raymond Buckley of possessing Child Pornography. Reports differ upon the nature of their past relationship. Some claim both men are openly gay, but I've only found quotes of Buckley admitting a Homosexual Orientation.

The Union Leader:

"I have been vilified by people who say I should have done this 20 years ago," Vaillancourt said last night. "Believe me, I have agonized long and hard about this."
-Steve Vaillancourt, July, 2007

The problem is, all of Vaillancourt's claims of having reported the crimes boil down to vague hints and innuendo dropped in the ears of Democratic leaders. All the men to whom Vaillancourt supposedly unburdened his soul flat out deny any such conversations took place.

Why would Vaillancourt, a Republican, report the alleged crimes of a Democrat to the leaders of the local Democratic party?

Why didn't he call the police?

If he really cared more about having political ammunition than stopping Child Pornography, Why didn't he call Republican leaders?

He claims to have uttered the phrase "There's a lot more about Ray Buckley that you need to know" to a former mayor and an outgoing Democratic Chair in 2005. That's hardly a damning accusation.

According to his own claims, refuted by those to whom he allegedly spoke,

"He told two prominent Democrats years ago that veteran party powerbroker Ray Buckley had a "penchant for pedophilia," though to date, he says, he has never taken that allegation to police.

Who among us actually believes a politician of ANY party would contact the police to initiate an investigation based upon the phrase "penchant for pedophilia" uttered by a bitter political rival?

Why didn't he call the police?

The Union Leader has the following quote:

A former Democrat himself, Vaillancourt was Buckley's landlord for many years. He said he took overseas trips with Buckley, including one to Amsterdam.

However, he said, "There has never been a sexual relationship between me and Mr. Buckley ... I'm not openly gay, whatsoever. I've never said I'm gay."

Was this one of the trips to Amsterdam that Buckley allegedly purchased Kiddie Porn?

Take a closer look at the phrase:

I'm not openly gay, whatsoever. I've never said I'm gay.

Emphasis Mine. Why would a politician, a group that's normally so careful about their words, have the word "openly" in that sentence?

Raymond Buckley was cleared of all charges, and the New Hampshire police considered filing charges against Vaillancourt over the accusations, but Vaillancourt sent his letter to the Governor, NOT the police. Buckley has gone on to become the head of the New Hampshire Democratic party, something Vaillancourt was apparently trying to prevent when he mailed the Governor his letter.

Is this entire mess is a case of a bitter former lover trying to destroy the man he used to love?

There's a more disturbing aspect to this story. If Vaillancourt was indeed concealing Buckley's possession of child Pornography, why was he doing it? Was he a submissive obeying his master? More disturbingly, was he too a fan of Child Pornography? Did he conceal it because he himself enjoyed it?

The more questions one asks, the more dark and twisted the mind of Steve Vaillancourt appears. Is he a Pedophile who spent 16 years saturated with child pornography? Buckley has been cleared and no evidence to support the allegations has been found. If Vaillancourt was telling the truth, then that massive stash of Child Pornography has to have gone SOMEWHERE. Does Vaillancourt have it? Was it one of the things he took with him when Vaillancourt and Buckley parted ways?

In a way, it's more comforting to think that Vaillancourt is merely a lying monster, willing to throw out any slander for the sake of destroying an opponent. The most comforting, the most positive view of events is that he's willing to make false accusations of Pedophilia for political gain.

What kind of monster is Vaillancourt, and why do the people of New Hampshire keep voting for him?

More to the point, why haven't the police investigated him? They have a confession from Vaillancourt to having been a party to the possession and smuggling of Child Pornography. The police investigated Buckley, going so far as to seize the computers at the Democratic headquarters. Why have they not done the same to investigate a man who bragged about living where child pornography was so pervasive you couldn't escape it?

Steve Vaillancourt, Nanny State Advocate

Steve Vaillancourt claims to have concealed information about Kiddie Porn in New Hampshire for over two decades. This is not, however his only claim to fame. He's a member of the New Hampshire House of Representatives. Currently a Republican, he left the Democratic party after a split with his roommate of 16 years, Raymond Buckley.

Vaillancourt loves to court attention. He has a Public Access show, in which he exhibits manic, seemingly psychotic behavior. You can get a taste of his admitted flare for exaggeration in his response to a New Hampshire law to ban smoking in bars and restaurants.

As Boston.com reports:

Rep. Steve Vaillancourt, R-Manchester, said the bill doesn't go far enough.

"If we are going to do it, we should do it in these filthy little bars that masquerade as social, fraternal and religious organizations," Vaillancourt said. "The pope, if he smokes, will hurt you as much as a sailor on shore leave."

Smoking bans are common in restaurants and workplaces, but Vaillancourt's urgent need to ban the activity in private clubs is excessive. I understand the desire to protect the public, but the Nanny State extremes that Vaillancourt so adores should not be tolerated. Yes, Smoking is bad for your body. So is excessive drinking, and we can see how well prohibition worked. Restricting unhealthy activities so that they do not infringe upon the safety of others is a reasonable measure. Banning open containers of alcohol in a car for example is a reasonable measure. Drunk Driving laws, while considered overly strict by some, are ultimately beneficial.

Vaillancourt however seems determined to stamp out smoking by eliminating all the locations wherein a smoker could indulge. This is nothing more than a back door method of making smoking illegal.

My own Smoking is limited to three or four cigars a year. I sit down with a glass of good Scotch, put my legs up, light the cigar and puff away. Half an hour to an hour later I get up, still a bit dizzy from the tobacco, and head inside. I'll generally do this on my own back porch, or in a bar or club where one can engage in such activities in peace.

Vaillancourt however, wants to deny this recreation to New Hampshire residents. I suspect he'd also want to ban my attempts to smoke on my own porch, on the dubious claim that I'm giving my downwind neighbors cancer.

Do New Hampshire residents really want to ban smoking in private clubs? Do they REALLY want to require all the Freemasons, Knights of Columbus, Shriners and the like to ban smoking within the halls of their own private clubs?

What ever happened the New Hampshire's state motto of "Live Free or Die?" How is Vaillancourt giving anyone the option to live free, if he wants to dictate the tiny nuances of what they do with their own bodies?

Did Steve Vaillancourt (R-NH) hide Kiddie Porn?

Steve Vaillancourt and Raymond Buckley were "roommates" for 16 years. Both were New Hampshire Democrats at the time. They parted ways over a "rent dispute." Vaillancourt left the Democratic Party and became a Republican.

Eventually, they came into opposition. Buckley took the seat that Vaillancourt had previously occupied.

Then came what some Republicans consider the disaster of 2006, where the Democrats overthrew many traditionally Republican seats. Ray Buckley, now an admitted Homosexual, was on the verge of becoming the Chair of the New Hampshire Democratic State Committee, owing to the fact that he was pretty much responsible for the Democratic Victories in New Hampshire.

During all of this, Vaillancourt and Buckley were both denying they'd ever been sexually involved.

Then things get strange.

Steve Vaillancourt sent a letter to the NH governor. In it he alleged that when they were living together Buckley frequently traveled to Amsterdam to collect Kiddie Porn, and that his room was so littered with it that you couldn't enter it without stepping over Child Pornography.

The Democratic governor asked Buckley to step down from the party race, and Buckley complied.

An investigation failed to turn up any evidence of child pornography and Buckley was exonerated. The 04.13.2007 episode of "This American Life" entitled "My Reputation" profiled Buckley

If Vaillancourt was telling the truth about the Kiddie Porn, and Buckley was exonerated only by having disposed of evidence then Vaillancourt spent DECADES remaining quiet about not only a massive cache of Child Pornography, but an active smuggling operation.

The question I have yet to see asked is this:

Why would Vaillancourt remain silent for so many years about something as vile and disgusting as Child Pornography?

Vaillancourt is in a tough spot. He's one of two things. He's either a liar who used false accusations of Child Pornography to slander and defame a political opponent, or he HELPED CONCEAL Child Pornography.

I ask Vaillancourt, which is he? A liar who offers false witness against his neighbor, or an accomplice to the possession and smuggling of Child Pornography?

Breakfast

Breakfast

Breakfast was an everything Bagel with more of the home made jam.

I had a can of Pepsi to wash down my allergy meds while the coffee was percolating. I learned today that the stove top percolator in the office does a great job of ruining perfectly good Coffee.

Dinner

This was a satisfying way to cook up some leftovers.

Dinner consisted of "Use up stuff in the fridge" night.

I started by sautéing some sliced Parsnips (The white things on the left) which are a root vegetable similar to carrots. While edible raw, they're much better cooked.

Next, I sautéed some onion and mushrooms, adding plenty of minced Garlic to the mushrooms. I used separate pans as we were having a guest who hates the texture of onions.

I kept the mushrooms and onions warm until everyone arrived. I took advantage of the time to set the table with some whole wheat and flax seed wraps, cheddar cheese and red leaf lettuce.

Once everyone arrived, I put the vegetables on the table, and reheated sliced, leftover steak in the now empty mushroom pan, using a bit of my Father's home made red wine to deglaze the pan while heating the steak.

Everything except the parsnips went into the wraps with some hot sauce for those who like a bit of extra kick to their meals.

All told, it was a good meal, and a great way to use up things that had had been lying around th kitchen.

Lunch

I'd ordered a Salami sandwich, but most of what I got consisted of thinly sliced, but exceptionally fatty ham. This is the second FUBAR sandwich I've gotten form this place, the first one being a Roast Beef sandwich that seemed to consist mostly of gristle.

I think I'll spare myself further annoyance and just cross that place off my list of places to get lunch. There's only so many times getting one cans stomach fatty, stringy meat that you can't chew.

Breakfast

Yeah, I know, fast food is bad for you, but I was grumpy, in a rush and pressed for time, so I ddin't grab a lunch and breakfast from home.

Lunch

Lunch consisted of more tea, some Fruit2O and some leftover Macaroni and tomato sauce. To round things off I added a tin of the "lunch Bucket" Hearty Beef Stew" which one of my coworkers referred to as "Dog Food in a Can." While it tasted much better than that, I can't say I blame her for the comment when it comes to the appearance of the canned food.

Breakfast

Breakfast was some Chai tea with Stevia sweetener, and a Cinnamon bagel with more of the home made Apricot Ginger Jam.

The Ginger adds a spicy kick to the bagel, and the apricot, having been made from dried apricots has a very pronounced, apricotty flavor, which is important, because if it were a mild flavor, the Ginger would overwhelm it.

Dinner

My wife made dinner tonight, and it consisted of an avocado salad (Avocado, lemon juice, walnut oil, paprika and pepper) with a couple of buttery grilled cheese sandwiches.

Lunch

Lunch consisted of some leftover Mac&Cheese, and a salami and cheddar sandwich.

Breakfast

This bagel is a bit special. The jam is not ordinary jam, but the Apricot Ginger Jam my wife and I canned a couple of years ago. Now that the Kitchen is assembled and functional, we've been unpacking things like our canned goods, which had sat in boxes for the last six months. This means even something as routine as a grocery store bagel gets a nice touch of home made jam.

Breakfast Waffles

Now that the Kitchen was finally in working order, I did something that the lack of a kitchen had prevented for the last six months.

I made waffles.

Sadly, the waffles in question didn't rise properly and ended up a bit thin. On the bright side, they were still delicious and tasty. I spent most of Saturday morning grinning like an idiot as I enjoyed finally cooking a meal in the brand spanking new kitchen.

Needless to say, I was a happy camper.

Here you can see how the waffles ended up rather architectural. Notice the home made fruit sauce we used on the waffles. Pear butter to be exact. This waffle was an attempt to get better coverage with the unrisen batter. I flipped the waffle iron after adding the batter, in the hopes of getting more even coverage. Oddly, this resulted in what looks a bit like a two floor waffle.

Breakfast